Sunday, August 29, 2010

hmmmm. Tea Party eh...

Saw a group of Tea Party members driving down Ventura Blvd with their banners waving today. I know way too little about the movement to properly critique it, but the little I do know about it disturbs me. Full blog coming after I read up and form an actual valid opinion...

Monday, August 23, 2010

Monday Muse/ic #2: Cee-Lo "Fuck You"

Though this has already jumped to 1.4 million views and I'm sure its going to keep growing, I'm posting it anyway because it's level of awesomeness is that high. Dig it:

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Let's Talk About Sex #1: Euphemisms

I have absolutely no shame when it comes to sex. I firmly believe that whatever happens between two consenting adults behind closed doors is entirely their own business. If you need some type of combination of birthday clowns, ass-less chaps, and pomegranate juice to get off; do you. But during a conversation with a friend we found that there are really no great names for sex. Most of the substitutes people use are usually too melodramatic ("making love"), too technical ("intercourse"), or just generally lame ("making whoopie"). After realizing that one of my favorite things in the world had no title worthy of its awesomeness, I went on a long and tiring search (about 10 minutes) to find a euphemism I could be proud of. I failed. But I did find a ton of horrible, yet hilarious ones. Enjoy and feel free to suggest a few more:

165: Names for Sex (originally from:
  1. a squeeze and a squirt
  2. bad boogey, the
  3. bake cookies
  4. ball
  5. bang
  6. batter dip the corn dog
  7. Taking the skin boat to tuna town
  8. belly to belly
  9. boff
  10. boink
  11. bone
  12. bonk
  13. boof
  14. boom-boom
  15. bouncing the pogo stick
  16. bump and grind
  17. bump fuzzies
  18. bump uglies
  19. bury the bone
  20. bury the one-eyed worm
  21. bush patrol
  22. butter the muffin
  23. check the oil
  24. churn butter
  25. clam dip
  26. clean the carpet
  27. cream
  28. dance in the sheets
  29. deed, the
  30. dip the wick
  31. dip your pen in the ink
  32. dippity doo da
  33. do
  34. do it
  35. do the dirty
  36. exchange bodily fluids
  37. feed the kitty
  38. fill the cream donut
  39. fit her clap flap
  40. fix her plumbing
  41. flop the hay
  42. fornicate
  43. four legged frolic
  44. frolic in the cornfield
  45. fuck
  46. funky chicken, the
  47. get a home run
  48. get busy
  49. get into one’s pants
  50. get it on
  51. get laid
  52. get rocks off
  53. get your nuts cracked
  54. give her a high hard one
  55. give her a pat
  56. glaze the donut
  57. go fishing
  58. hammer
  59. hanky panky
  60. hide the hot dog
  61. hide the salami
  62. hide the sausage
  63. hide the snake in the bush
  64. hide the weenie
  65. hippity dippitty
  66. hit it
  67. hobble the horsey
  68. hop upon the wild pony
  69. horizontal hustle
  70. horizontal mambo
  71. hot beef injection
  72. hot dog in a jungle
  73. hot dog on a bun
  74. hump
  75. humpty dumpty
  76. in and out, the
  77. juice someone
  78. jump one’s bones
  79. knock boots
  80. knock mops
  81. lay piping
  82. lie feet up
  83. lust and thrust, the
  84. make babies
  85. make it
  86. make love
  87. make some friction
  88. make whoopee
  89. mattress dance
  90. mattress mambo
  91. mingle limbs
  92. mommy-daddy dance
  93. mount
  94. nail
  95. naked dance, the
  96. naughty, the
  97. nookie
  98. park
  99. park the beef bus into tuna town
  100. park the Plymouth into the garage of love
  101. parting the pink sea
  102. party for two
  103. pass the gravy
  104. pickle tickle
  105. piece of ass
  106. plant your seed
  107. play doctor
  108. play in and out
  109. play on the hair court
  110. play pickle me/ tickle me
  111. plug and play
  112. plug the hole
  113. poke in the whiskers
  114. polish the porpose
  115. pop the cork
  116. pork
  117. pound
  118. probe
  119. probe the membrane
  120. put sour cream on the burrito
  121. put sour cream on the taco
  122. put the snake in the cave
  123. put the snake in the grease
  124. ram
  125. ride
  126. ride the baloney pony
  127. ride the hobby horse
  128. ride the skin bus into tuna town
  129. ride the wild bull
  130. roll in the hay
  131. rong her bell
  132. rumple the foreskin
  133. score
  134. scratch your itch
  135. screw
  136. service the clam
  137. sexercise
  138. shag
  139. sink it in
  140. sink the sub
  141. skin the cat
  142. slap bellies
  143. slime the banana
  144. smash pissers
  145. sow wild oats
  146. spank the cat
  147. spear the bearded clam
  148. stab the trout
  149. storm the trenches
  150. stuff the beaver
  151. stuff the taco
  152. sweep the chimney
  153. take “old one-eye” to the optomotrist
  154. the hole smash
  155. thread the needle
  156. throw a log on the fire
  157. tickle her belly from the inside
  158. two-person pushups
  159. ugly, the
  160. vulcanize the whoopee stick
  161. walk the dog
  162. water the lawn
  163. wet the wick
  164. whoopty-do, the
  165. wild thing, the

Friday, August 20, 2010


Walked into a record store yesterday (yes they still exist...kinda). It was Second Spin in Sherman Oaks; home of a glorious collection of cheap as shit used CDs, DVDs etc. I'm not one to be down on the digital transformation of the music industry but, I absolutely love tearing off the plastic, opening the case, and digging through the liner notes of an album. There is nothing that can replace having the actual hard copy in your hands. Holding something tangible is a lot more satisfying than clicking an icon and waiting for the "download complete" sign to appear. I'm also a fan of actually listening to an "ALBUM." The whole thing, intro to outro. Hearing each song in context as part of a cohesive whole. Singles are like quickies in the supply closet at lunchtime. A great album is akin to an all night, box-spring cracking, wake up your neighbors from the noise, love making session that inspires you to write terrible poetry.

I copped a couple new joints (Big Boi's "Sir Lucious Left Foot," Eminem's "Recovery" and MGMT's Album from a couple years back "Oracular Spectacular.") And I re-bought Tribe's Midnight Marauders and Blackout by Method Man and Redman. I popped in Blackout first. The album came out around 1998/99 and I actually had the TAPE! I played that damn thing forward and backward and as each song came on in my car yesterday I realized that I knew every lyric, every skit by heart. And I was reminded of how big on an influence these guys were on me. Meth in particular. Just listening to these old verses made me see how often I phrase my words in a similar fashion, use similar vocab, and it especially reminded me of all the battle raps I used to write in middle school.

I still love music. Still love hip-hop. But its rare that I find something to play backwards and forwards nowadays. It may be that I'm older and have more distinguishing tastes when it comes to what I listen to, or it may be that when you're 13 and having your first experiences with the world everything is brighter, better done and more powerful. Or shit, it may just be that music is no longer built for the patient. It is not made to be slowly digested and unfolded over time. Before the digital revolution, you were essentially forced to listen to one thing at a time. So when a CD was in your car or stereo that was the only thing spinning. There were no shuffle buttons that randomly sent you careening through 10,000 songs.

Now there is no right or wrong way to listen to music. But I do fear that we miss out on a lot more music lately. When we immediately judge an album's merit of the first listen, the first single, the first 5 minutes, I think we cheat ourselves. There have been plenty of records that I have owned that I initially hated but after repeat visits fell in love with. I only buy music that I'm reasonably sure I'm still going to be playing 10 years from now. Its an investment. And like an investment you don't jump ship the first day the stock dips. You ride that shit out and see whats in store. I love pandora, and itunes and all that shit, but every once in a while grab an album and let it play start to finish. Live in that world for an hour and experience everything the artist has to show you.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Apathy and Death (brief thought)

Every artist worth his pen, brush, or instrument has forever been ingrained with the urge to become immortal. If you are a writer, no matter how noble or honorable your work, at least a part of you is damn sure trying to create something that will find a place in the canon: that group of masterful work that is known to be an essential part of the human experience 100s of years into the future. Flesh is worthless. Its beautiful, but it peaks early and fades quickly. An idea, a thought, a creation; those are the things that end up defining a life and staving off death. You want to be immortal? Be something that people will always give a damn about. Death is only final when your memory is gone from the conscious of the living and apathy takes its place.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Monday Muse/ic #1

"Your Summer Song (remix) feat. J Mitchell" off of Exile's upcoming compilation album AM/FM. Project drops Aug. 31st kids.

Exile - Your Summer Song (Remix Ft. J. Mitchell) from Dirty Science on Vimeo.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Music to Knock Boots to #1

Nirvana. Yes. Nirvana. Now for the first of what I am sure will be a very long series of blogs, I know this may seem like an odd choice. But my libido never lies and I am making it my mission to provide you with the correct soundtracks to fertilize an egg to. I could've went classic and chosen, Barry White, or Marvin Gaye, or something obvious like Trey Songs but well shit, just trust me on this one. The angst, anger and passion on this album is palpable. And that intensity, along with some surprisingly soothing melodies, provides some nice inspiration for a couple to break a few headboards. The first three tracks (Smells Like Spirit, In Bloom, and Come As You Are) all have huge rocking choruses and bridges tailor made for boot knocking. And hey those three tracks alone are about 13 minutes of music, and you know that's probably all the time most of you need ;-). So do yourself a favor, grab a dance partner, turn up the music, and proceed with the babymaking.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Crack Vs. Cocaine

WOW, shit actually changed today...

At the height of the 1980s crack epidemic the United States government responded to public panic with new, harsh penalties for drug convictions. Of the new laws implemented, by far the most controversial was the law which made the sentence for anyone convicted of a crack-cocaine crime 100 times worse than that of a person convicted of a powdered-cocaine crime.

The actual difference between the two drugs is slight. Crack-cocaine is a bastardized form of powder-cocaine that has been diluted with water, mixed with baking soda and cooked into a rock form that is ready to be smoked. Powder-cocaine is simply that; pure cocaine. Its been argued that crack is more addictive, but there are studies contradicting that claim.

The main difference between the two is the price. Crack is incredibly cheap and typically a poor man's drug, while pure cocaine is much more valuable and also much more difficult to come across. So the law that saw crack users receive penalties 100 times harsher than powder cocaine violators led to huge numbers of poor addicts being sent to jail for decades for tiny amounts of crack. Meanwhile many rich men and drug dealers who used the powdered-cocaine to manufacture the crack often got off with sentences far shorter than that of their customers. This, along with legislation like the 3 Strikes law, caused a huge boom in the prison population consisting of mostly minorities and the impoverished. And the resulting jump in prison population has created the monster of the Prison Industrial Complex; an entire new economic structure that encourages capitalists to build private prisons; many of which use inmates for cheap labor thus creating a brand new class of slaves.

Activists and organizations have been fighting for the past 20 years to change the drugs laws and miraculously, things changed this week. Today, President Obama signed into law a bill that will change the sentence differential from 100:1, to 18:1. This is a MUTHAFUCKING HUGE development. It is a giant step on the way to dissolving the last bits of discriminatory legislation and hopefully with fewer addicts (people who need treatment not prison sentences) locked up for 20 years at a time, their will be fewer broken families and a better foundation being laid in the urban communities of America.